The Importance Of Not Comparing Siblings

Avoiding sibling comparisons is a basic principle when raising children. Unfortunately, it’s something parents often do since their kids are little. They compare the child to other children at school or at the club, and at other times they constantly compare siblings to each other.

The tendency for parents to compare their children is natural. These are usually comparisons made internally and which, in certain conversations, are exposed.

The problem arises when, in these comparisons, one of the children stands out more than the other. Children notice when this happens. Other times, on the other hand, this happens intentionally and the parents pronounce phrases like:  “your brother is smarter and more hardworking than you” or “let’s see if you will behave as well as your brother”.

In other situations, the child learns about these comparisons because he simply listens to a conversation that was not intended for him.

Why do parents compare siblings?

• All parents want the best for their children. In this fact lies, in part, the origin of many comparisons between siblings. There are parents who believe that this is the way, that is, that the sibling considered as the best is taken as a model to be imitated by the other. These comparisons are often based on a specific attitude or skill. Parents feel that this ability can be beneficial to the disadvantaged child in the comparison.
  

• These sibling comparisons also underscore the role model parents desire. Without taking into account the specific characteristics and abilities of each child, which are certainly important and different, many parents consider the child highlighted in the comparisons as the ideal child model, and try to make the other one like him.

• There are times when these sibling comparisons are a reflection of the father or mother’s identification with one of their children . They see themselves more in one of the children and, because of that, consider him better than the other. The parents say this to the other child, with the aggravating factor that they add: “your brother is as good at math as I am”. It hurts the child who listens, a child who considers his parents the best. That’s when the jealousy starts.

Consequences of Sibling Comparisons

The negative consequences will usually affect the sibling who is undervalued in the comparison.

1. The child’s self-esteem is impaired. When being compared, the child understands that he is not important or that he does not have considerable qualities. The effect will be insecurity, the feeling of being useless and unloved.
2. Envy and jealousy can arise, which can lead to a rupture in the relationship between siblings. It is possible that the child believes that their parents will like their brother more, because the brother is better and this will distance them.
3. When one sibling feels inferior to another because comparisons are unfavorable to him, he resents his parents and becomes hostile and apathetic. In many cases, the child will try to find areas in which to excel in order to make up for the apparent difference. However, this quest will not be for your own growth and improvement, but will simply be the attempt to surpass your brother in something. This attitude is not healthy, as in the future it can lead the child to choose paths that harm them.
   

How to encourage positive behavior without the terrible comparisons?

It is important to understand that each child is unique and important in and of itself. Comparisons are never useful as a formative resource. Therefore, there are guidelines to help children develop positive qualities or behaviors that their sibling also has, without the need to make any comparisons.

• It is necessary to get to know the child well, identify the important qualities and let them know why it is important to have them. It’s good for the child to understand that the father and mother value all of their positive aspects and that they don’t just focus on the negative ones.
• When a positive behavior occurs that the father or mother finds beneficial to their development, guidance is to highlight that behavior and use positive reinforcement. The child must understand that this behavior is good for him, but not because the sibling does it too.
• What is essential is for children to feel that their parents accept them for who they are, although this does not mean that they do not have aspects to improve. In addition, it is essential that the child knows, in any case, that having or not a quality will never make his parents more or less like him.