Best Alternatives To Punishment
Are there alternatives to punishment in child rearing? Fortunately, yes. Because it has been proven that a scream, a spank or putting the child in the corner of the house have magical effects only in the short term, as they do not modify the children’s inappropriate behavior and, in addition, affect their mental health.
Through this strategy we not only humiliate our child and damage his self-esteem, but also generate resentment and rejection. Furthermore, with this tactic, they do not learn good behavior, but acts that avoid disapproval, as well as seeing violence as a means of resolving conflicts.
But why, if punishment has negative effects, is it still used? What are the best alternatives to punishment? How can we show our children what we don’t like about their behavior without the need to punish them, humiliate them, or make them feel bad?
Models to follow as an alternative to punishment
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich propose in the book “How to talk to your children so that they study at home and at school” some lines of action that would work as alternatives to punishment, such as:
1- Express our total disagreement with his behavior. It’s not about attacking or labeling the child, it’s about his behavior.
2- Express what we expect from him. We make him see what we would like to happen or how he should behave.
3- Show you how to correct and resolve the situation. We teach him the right behavior so that next time he doesn’t make the same mistake.
4- If the child continues to misbehave and does not correct his/her own behavior, it will be necessary to practice, starting by presenting him/her with behavioral options.
5- Finally, they must take action. It is preferable to apply logical and natural consequences.
The method of logical and natural consequences.
The purpose of this regimen is that the child learns to assume those natural consequences that are spontaneously derived from a certain behavior and do not require the intervention of the parents.
The idea is that the child also assumes the logical consequences previously designed in order to stimulate and transmit responsible decisions. These allow the minor to experience the reality of the social world.
In cases where there are no natural consequences or that pose a danger to the child, it is recommended to replace them with logical consequences proposed by the parents, not as a punishment, but as an alternative. An example: “I’m going to clean your room. If there are toys on the floor, I won’t be able to do that, so if you don’t pick them up, I’ll keep them in the attic.”
Although this is an uncertain method, it has advantages over the rest since, on the one hand, it makes the child responsible for his own behavior. On the other hand, it allows her to make her own decisions about the most appropriate behavior, facilitating the understanding of her actions in a broader, impersonal and social way.
The 8 basics of the method
Often times, when trying to misapply this technique, we parents fall into a kind of indirect punishment. Therefore, it is necessary to consider the following fundamental principles to properly raise our child by appealing to this alternative to punishment.
- Maintain an affectionate relationship between parents and children, one of mutual respect and encouragement.
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- Be firm and loving, both at the same time. The tone of voice can indicate affection, while firmness is present in the desire to act.
- Refrain from overprotecting to allow the child to experience the consequences of their decisions and avoid taking responsibility.
- Be aware in order to always act with equal criteria.
- Encourage independence by avoiding doing what the child can do on their own.
- Not feeling sorry because it is a negative attitude, because it indicates that the child is weak and unable to solve problems. On the contrary, understanding promotes strength.
- Talk less and act more. Only then will you overcome “father’s deafness”. A friendly tone will best predispose the child to listen.
- Avoid fighting or surrendering. You must set boundaries and allow the child to decide how to respond to them without provoking a fight. You have to be willing to follow the logical consequences that flow from that decision.
